+ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ -

I would estimate that I woke up around twelve today. And by today, I guess I mean yesterday, since the last time I slept and woke up it was the fourteenth of July, and now it is the fifteenth of July, and no such sleep has been had. If I woke up at twelve, and, right now, it is around 6, that means I have been awake for 18 hours. Not awful. If I had woken up at 9 am yesterday and went to sleep at 3 am today it would be the same time frame. I could go on, but I won’t.

I was thinking I’d skip sleep altogether, as if I gave in now I might not wake up till mid afternoon. I would hate that. But then again, I did just swear I saw a stain on the carpet crawl a little bit, so that can’t be a good indication of things to come, can it?

It is somehow crazy to me to think that, if you just stay up late enough, night becomes day. When you’re little, night seems like a whole separate world. The darkness just goes on and on and the only thing to do is wait it out, and the only possible way to wait out such an expansive stretch of time is to become unconscious. It’s just the way we learn to fill what would otherwise be a boring, dark and uneventful part of our fragile little lives. Then you get older. Time moves more quickly and you are able to do almost anything you want, which, given all the restrictions your new responsibility affords you, turns out to be not that much. But that’s a different thought entirely. Anyway. One minute you’re coming home from a night out with your friends, and the next, its daylight and you’re thinking, “well, that went by so quickly. Maybe I need to spend closer to two days worth of waking hours to make up for that inevitable chunk of time I will waste sleeping.” In my current state of mind, this makes perfect sense. But I also know that when it comes down to it, normal people, myself included, just do not have the capacity to pass up a much needed snooze.

This all-nighter feels necessary, though. I have an ever-growing list of things. Things I want to try, do more often, or stop doing. Things I want to say, things I can’t say, things I’d like to hit certain people in the face with. Those sorts of things, on that kind of list. The “if I just do this I will be happy that I did it and be one millimeter closer to being the person I want to be” list. The problem is, I wake up on most mornings, and there are always much more immediate issues to be taken care of (that, or I am too lazy and unmotivated to picture my mental list and actually do something.) I get distracted, I get caught up in stupid shit, and by the time I set about doing something… well, that rarely ever happens. The things I think about doing and the things I actually accomplish tip the scale in the absolutely wrong direction.
A few of the things that may or may not be on that list now:
taking time to sit down and think about everything, have a little discussion with myself. Done.
Writing something, anything, even if it is shit, just to start flexing that brain muscle. Done.
Staying up all night and watching the sunrise, just because.
Done.

Fuck my self-defeating attitude and all my "I can'ts."
Hello 6:46am.

( ... )

I woke up this morning with the feeling that something new was here. My head was clearer, my feelings more in tune. I just laid there thinking for a really long time. February is melting. The air today seems to come from the future, from a spring time that we can’t yet call our own; but it creeps in through the open dorm room window, and it fills my lungs and brain. The warmth is thawing things that were locked up in winters cold, that I forgot I had, and they are flooding my blood stream now, coursing through my veins when I step outside.

I can’t wait for spring time any more.

I felt the compulsion to update this, though I will admit right up front that nothing very update-able has occurred. Stop reading now and you can probably do something more productive. Cut your toenails.
Tell your cat you love him.
Check the expiration dates on your cans of Chef Boyardee.


I moved back in to Stockton and started classes January 20th. It's only February 5, and already I feel as though I have been here for a million years. I guess it's a lot easier to get into a routine when you already have the hang of life here in the pine barrens. And trust me. I've got it locked down.

I enjoy my classes this semester so far. For the most part.
Drawing class forces me to wake up and roll out at a time reasonably close to 8:30. I'll admit, I like starting the day early so I at least feel as though I've accomplished something, but this thought never crosses my mind when the alarm goes off.
The teacher is a nice guy, but talks very slow and monotone. Oh well, I can take it. I also actually have two friends in that class, which is pretty helpful when it gets boring.

Algebraic Problem Solving sounds like a class that anyone who's been to high school can master. With my math skillz (or lack thereof) that means I can probably stumble along well enough to get a B. The teacher is from Kenya, and I can't always understand what he's saying. I failed the first quiz, which is pretty bad news bears, but I'm sure I'll make up for it.

Art History is interesting enough, though I always find myself daydreaming and doodling for long periods of time. I just can't get too into cave paintings and ancient pottery. Guess we know what my major is not gonna be.

Humor Writing is my favorite class, despite the fact that it is four hours long. From 6 to 9:50 every Wednesday, we meet up, read our 1-3 page homework essays, talk about the books we are asked to read the prior week, and do a lot of writing excercises. I find it really helps my writing knowing we will have to read it aloud. When I write things on my own I tend to trail off, leaving it unedited and, eventually, forgotten. But being in a class setting is the motivation I needed. At the end of the semester we each have to perform a stand up comedy routine, and I am actually really excited about it.

I do have a life outside of class. Mostly it consists of Brittany, Brittany, Jen and I hanging out in F-201 and being awesome, and I definitely wouldn't have it any other way. Our normal routine consists of eating in N-wing, watching a lot of weird tv shows (duggar wedding, anybody?), and yelling a lot. This past week we have also all pretty much gone to the gym everyday.

On top of doing that, I have been trying to eat healthier and drink more water, and it's amazing how different I feel after only four days of doing so. I've always known I can lose weight fairly fast when I make the effort, but I really really REALLY want to stick to it this time. Knock on wood. I'm just sick of feeling like I look bad, or not being able to fit into clothes that I like. I'm sick of letting that stuff make me less confident.

So fuck you, fatty fat fat particles. I will totally destroy you.

Yeah. That last sentence felt good.

I admit it.
I talk a big game but I don't seem to keep up with my resolution to write in this thing.
Oh well.

It turns out the video camera I got for christmas is a lot of fun to use, especially combined with windows movie maker, which I just recently realized is on my computer. So instead of writing about what I've been doing, you can just see the movie version. Ah, laziness.



This one is pretty self-explanatory.


Aaand, I was going to post them all here, but apparently theres some kind of limit per lj entry? I don't know. Maybe I'll post them in separate journal entries. I really do have too much time on my hands at the moment.

( Goodbye '08, AKA: Hey, neuroticism. You are being isolated from the rest of this entry. )



Life in general is what I might cautiously classify as "great."
My first college semester was a lot of fun, and winter break is much the same. Christmas came and went without much notice, by anyone, it seems, but I don't mind. I've been hanging out with friends a lot, which I really enjoy, I've had some fun new experiences, I have my portfolio ready and am prepared to declare my major the day I get back to Stockton, and I have ample time to be lazy and have fallen into a pattern of waking up at the crack of noon.

I feel guilty about the last part, but not enough to change my ways.

I thought I had no way of getting on the internet at home because our computer is broken, and my laptop couldn't pick up any wifi before, but the other day, I got signal! So I think I'll try to update more frequently (and in less vague terms).

20 days left of break! Woo!

Why live out your entire life trying to impress a non-existant audience you believe is constantly monitoring your every move? It's a little bit of self-absorption, and yet it denotes some degree of self-loathing at the same time.

Do things for yourself.

It's not your job to prove anything, to anyone, unless you believe it is necessary in some way, which is something you should decide on very carefully. Because even if you manage to impress people, be it through exaggeration, lies, or pure effort, and even if you get what you want the most(some sort of acceptance to bandage your own damaged self esteem), you've only attained it for all the wrong reasons.

You have no principles of your own. You exist to be accepted, any way you can. You can't claim to be a strong, intelligent person with that kind of attitude. If you had any strength, you could do something you want without considering what others will think. If you were smart, you'd realize that, in the long run, you are only hurting yourself. For example, instead of trying to convince people that you are talented, why not spend that time actually striving to truly master something, for the right reasons, not because it will get you some attention or make you look interesting.


The acceptance is fleeting, but you'll never get back the time or dignity you threw away seeking it.

It's been a long time, LJ.

( L.A.E.M. )

I am too dumb for college.
I get confused very easily, and therefore get overwhelmed when what confuses me plays a role in my very expensive college career. I just can't help but think I will make some crazy ass mistake in a total panic that will result in taking summer courses/going to college for five years. But I guess I should try and be a little more positive, right?

Moving in that direction, I start babysitting the devil children tomorrow. I think their parents know how bad they can be, which is why I get paid so well. Either way, it's not hard and it's a sweet set up, so you know I'm excited for that. I'm not even being sarcastic.

Summer is not even two weeks in, but it feels like it's been a long time. I've been having a lot of fun, despite the fact that I am totally weirded out that I am not in high school anymore. Seriously.





ImissGabe :(

So, I figure there's no better way to celebrate turning 18 and becoming a legal adult than throwing another cheesy theme party. After this one, I will be done with such shenanigans. Possibly.

This one's theme is going to be "The Year 2058"

You know how people in the fifties thought that the year 2000 would be full of aliens and jet packs and colonies on mars?
Think of it like that. Totally unrealistic and cheesy.

I'm going to ask people to dress up I think.
You could be:
-An old person. Like the sixty-something version of yourself
-An alien. Because by then we will be living with them.
-A futuristic person with shiny metallic clothes, weird hair, a jet pack, etc.
-A robot. They will be everywhere.
-A person frozen in a pod. I don't know.
-A zombie. Because maybe you think the world will have ended by then.


I'm not sure if this will really pan out or if people will think it is totally dumb. But I like it. And so far, that's what I'm going to be doing on July 11th. If you are reading this, chances are good that you are invited.

I'm finally done with Winslow. The past few days after graduation have been filled with my own conflicting emotions on the subject.

It was a piece of crap school whose only redeeming quality was the fact that it was so much fun to hate. If you picked up a pencil and did what was required of you, you were automatically a "smart kid", and it was oh so easy to succeed there. At the same time, it was easy to become bored and lose motivation. I am a procrastinator and a half-ass worker because the past four years have taught me that I can get good grades without trying. My friends are really the only reason that Winslow was worth it.

We've had so many good times together throughout high school, in the actual school building or otherwise. It would be an absolute lie if I said that I cannot look back on my high school years and feel more than a little sad that they are behind me. Graduating was exciting, but the past few days I have honestly felt like I am mourning the death of something. Everything and everyone from the past 13 years of my life in the Winslow school district has been running through my mind non-stop. I have never been old enough to feel this sad about the things that have come and gone. This is the first instance in which I have felt it to this degree, and I know it only gets worse as you get older.

The future scares me. It's not that I believe I cannot be successful, but rather that I have so many choices and opportunities that I will become overwhelmed and miss out on the right one. Is it weird to be freaked out by the fact that I feel too privileged? As corny as it sounds, I truly do believe that I can be whatever I want to be, but I am so indecisive and so scared of failure that my confidence in myself ends there. I don't know if I've ever put those feelings into words, but thats how I have always been. And I know that it's the biggest change I am going to have to make.

This whole entry seems a little negative, but I don't feel totally down. I am so excited that it's finally summertime; it's the one time of the year that my happiness is practically constant. And I know starting college in the fall will be something I'm going to enjoy. I can't wait to move into my dorm room with Brittany and move forward in my life.

Hey, the future isn't scary to me all the time.

( Yesterday. )

My anger makes it hard to state this eloquently:
Fuck my life.

Within a matter of months, I went from having $16,000 for college next year, to $5,000.
I made corrections to my fafsa, and all of a sudden, my family is too rich too get aid.
Just like that.
All year, I was living under the assumption my financial situation was covered.
And now, when it is too late to apply for scholarships, I learn that it's totally not.
The $5000 I have is academic, and it's definitely going to help, but it doesn't change the fact that $11,000 just got up and walked away.

I can't afford Stockton.
The image I had of what the next four years of my life were going to be like just got turned on it's head. The real world is just becoming all too real, and all less than two weeks before I graduate.

And, yeah, the "real" world really fucking sucks.

It's time I actually update this crapola.

I'll condense it into the major points.

1. I hereby dub the graduating class of '08 "ho hate" because of the gradual increase of both ho-ing, hating, and ho hating that has seemed to develop among the senior class. Seriously. Can I just graduate already?

2. I'm psyched for prom somethin' awful.

3. I saw that accident on 73 this morning from start to finish. It was probably the scariest thing I have ever witnessed next to my gym teacher getting his hand crushed by a stack of weights and yanking it out. But really. It was traumatizing.



I said I would put some writing up here, so goes nothing.

( ... )

I love spring. It makes me forget it could ever be cold entirely, and it automatically puts me in a good mood knowing I can go outside without freezing.

I need a job. The fact that I am going to prom is a constant reminder of this. It's so expensive, and even though Gabe is my date (obviously) and is paying for my ticket (awesome) my mom still has to pay for everything else, and I feel guilty about it. Next on my short list of things that bother me lately- I got pulled over last week. Apparently I was stopped for running a yellow light, which I didn't know was illegal, and the cop would have let me go with no consequence had I been able to find my vehicle registration. I found it by the time he came back with my ticket.



I think I am going to start putting up poems and things I've been writing up here. Not that their awesome or anything, but it'd be cool to let someone read them. It would probably motivate me to be better at it at least.

I am afraid of my words and their tendancy to move towards meaninglessness.

Yesterday my mom offered to go to Stockton and get all that financial aid business taken care of in person, which was pretty awesome. For as much as freaked out about it it was taken care of very easily, and I even got an extra thousand dollars for my stockton scholarship upon another "review of my academics." Once I get re-ranked at winslow, I should get even more. So there. Everything worked out to be way more thank fine, and, duh, I should have chilled out about it. I know I overreact. I'm just going to look back on these past two entries to remind me to cool it next time.


My family and I are leaving friday to drive up to north PA for my cousins wedding. I like weddings, and I like my cousin, so I'm pretty cool with that. Apparently his fiancee wanted to have a really small wedding out in a field somewhere, and she wanted to wear a dress and no shoes. So she's probably awesome.

Bon-fiyaa at my house tomorrow. I gotta clean up that backyard.
I hope it doesn't rain :[ I heard it's supposed to.

Why does everything have to go through e-mail?

I got my financial aid report back from Stockton. The good news is, I get $14,000 next year for school. The bad news is, they still require "documentation" in order to confirm I will actually receive that money. I was supposed to send those documents in within 2 weeks of getting the e-mail. Problem is, I don't use my friggin' e-mail, like, ever. So those 2 weeks have come and gone, and now that aid "may be delayed or cancelled". Woohoo! Freakin' awesome!

Also, $3,500 of that money is a loan. I had to go to a page to accept the financial aid, not realizing I just accepted a loan that I will need to "attend a personal interview" for and a whole mess of other stuff. Oh yeah, and also pay it back at some point.

I want to live in the woods. Screw going to college and getting a job.
If anyone has anything important to say to me, they can contact me by smoke signal or carrier pidgeon.

I'll come back to civilization when e-mails can tap on my window or smell like burning wood to get my attention.

It's time I start writing in this again. My "picture a day" thing is pretty much out the window considering how many days are picture-less. Maybe I'll start it up again anyway?

It is sooo friggin' beautiful outside right now, even with the crazy wind. I'm so relieved that spring break is finally here.

Me, Stephanie and Gabe went and got free Rita's water ice afterschool. Heather, Alex, Toke, Bob Charney, John and his friend were there too, and like us, they heard there was also free iced coffee at Dunkin' Donuts. When we asked about it, the guy looked at us like we were crazy. So we drove down RT. 30 to the other one, and the same thing happend. That guy asked "Why do you think we have free coffee?" It was okay though. By that point my free water ice had fully settled in my stomache and iced coffee didn't sound so appealing anymore, free or not.

I think I'm going to take a long walk or something now. It's too nice to be on the computer.

Hey livejournal. I'm going to wait til I have something I feel okay writing about to start using you again. Okay?